When to seek support

Well it's no secret to those who know me, or to those who have been reading my blogs for a while, that my father is an alcoholic and has gotten progressively worse over the last couple of years. This year started off quite well, with him being sober for about four months, but I always knew that because he is a stubborn European male who refuses to seek help or admit that it's a problem, he would slip back. Unfortunately, that's been the case. It started off again in April but things weren't so bad. Maybe once a month he would slip up. But now things have gone back to how they were a year ago, and it's awful.

What I struggle the most with is the fact that before, my Dad and I were always really close. He would come into town and have lunch with me, and we'd do a lot of things together like go see motorsport races or go to the Royal Show. So what I struggle the most with is that I really miss him. He's not the same person any more. Even when he doesn't have a drink in his hand, his depression is obvious. It's so sad to see him sitting in a room with his family and yet looking so distant and alone. Breaks my heart to see that look in his eyes.

August/September in particular have been back to the old ways. If we're lucky, he goes a couple of days without a drink. He's back to falling over and hurting himself, and Mum is left to clean up after him. I feel so sorry for her, and really want her to do things for herself and get out of that environment, but she's also a lot like me. No matter how angry we might get with him, we know he's sick, and we've loved him for so long we just want to help him.

I've lost count of the number of times I have been awake at night thinking of him, or the amount of bad dreams I've had that involve him. As things are, I can not see an end to this problem. I just don't see how things will ever get better. I feel like, over the last couple of years, I have tried everything I can to get him to see how his addiction effects the rest of us. I truly don't think there is anything more I, or anyone else in my family, can do. It really is up to him now. Which is why I can't see things ever getting better.

We've offered our home to Mum so that she has somewhere to go should she feel like getting out of that house. She is a bit stubborn though, and getting her to come over can be a struggle (who would have though, a Kovac woman being stubborn). But what it all comes down to is the fact that I'm really not coping. So on Monday I think I'm going to go to a family support group. I know that, logically, I can't feel responsible for his addiction and yet my stupid brain, despite knowing this, won't let me come to terms with what has been happening (and what continues to happen). Hopefully this support group helps a bit...