As I was off sick with a stupid cold on Monday, I didn't get to that support group I mentioned in my previous blog post. But, I still thought going along was really important for me, and it turns out they had a lunch time session yesterday, so I booked it into my calendar and went along. I have to admit, I was a bit apprehensive prior to the start time, and considered just not going, but I am genuinely glad I didn't listen to that negative little voice in my head.
I've been to one of these groups once before, about a year ago, and at the time I didn't think it was for me. I am so glad I gave it another go though, looking up a different session and consequently finding a group that I feel comfortable with. There was a warm feeling as soon as I entered the room, and the stories told by other people there really spoke to me, as did some of the readings and discussions we had about choices and detachment. I know this will be a long process for me, as I do have major difficulties with detaching and guilt associated with my Dad, but I am feeling more confident about doing it now. I'll definitely be going to these sessions at least once a week.
It's something I think my Mum would really benefit from, but I can't force her to go along, all I can do is tell her I'm going and try and encourage her, and share some of the reading material with her. One of the ladies who spoke yesterday sounded so much like my Mum, I think she could really relate if she gave it a go. But she will when she's ready to.
The only downside is that there's a spiritual focus, and I find myself a bit lost spiritually at the moment. The focus is expected as it stems from AA so has similar 12 steps and has the serenity prayer, but they are very quick to point out that it is non denominational and the spiritual side can work for you no matter what your belief, you just find a way to apply it to your life and your beliefs.
It's only been one session but the happiness and relief I already feel are massive, despite knowing there's a very long way to go.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
When to seek support
Well it's no secret to those who know me, or to those who have been reading my blogs for a while, that my father is an alcoholic and has gotten progressively worse over the last couple of years. This year started off quite well, with him being sober for about four months, but I always knew that because he is a stubborn European male who refuses to seek help or admit that it's a problem, he would slip back. Unfortunately, that's been the case. It started off again in April but things weren't so bad. Maybe once a month he would slip up. But now things have gone back to how they were a year ago, and it's awful.
What I struggle the most with is the fact that before, my Dad and I were always really close. He would come into town and have lunch with me, and we'd do a lot of things together like go see motorsport races or go to the Royal Show. So what I struggle the most with is that I really miss him. He's not the same person any more. Even when he doesn't have a drink in his hand, his depression is obvious. It's so sad to see him sitting in a room with his family and yet looking so distant and alone. Breaks my heart to see that look in his eyes.
August/September in particular have been back to the old ways. If we're lucky, he goes a couple of days without a drink. He's back to falling over and hurting himself, and Mum is left to clean up after him. I feel so sorry for her, and really want her to do things for herself and get out of that environment, but she's also a lot like me. No matter how angry we might get with him, we know he's sick, and we've loved him for so long we just want to help him.
I've lost count of the number of times I have been awake at night thinking of him, or the amount of bad dreams I've had that involve him. As things are, I can not see an end to this problem. I just don't see how things will ever get better. I feel like, over the last couple of years, I have tried everything I can to get him to see how his addiction effects the rest of us. I truly don't think there is anything more I, or anyone else in my family, can do. It really is up to him now. Which is why I can't see things ever getting better.
We've offered our home to Mum so that she has somewhere to go should she feel like getting out of that house. She is a bit stubborn though, and getting her to come over can be a struggle (who would have though, a Kovac woman being stubborn). But what it all comes down to is the fact that I'm really not coping. So on Monday I think I'm going to go to a family support group. I know that, logically, I can't feel responsible for his addiction and yet my stupid brain, despite knowing this, won't let me come to terms with what has been happening (and what continues to happen). Hopefully this support group helps a bit...
What I struggle the most with is the fact that before, my Dad and I were always really close. He would come into town and have lunch with me, and we'd do a lot of things together like go see motorsport races or go to the Royal Show. So what I struggle the most with is that I really miss him. He's not the same person any more. Even when he doesn't have a drink in his hand, his depression is obvious. It's so sad to see him sitting in a room with his family and yet looking so distant and alone. Breaks my heart to see that look in his eyes.
August/September in particular have been back to the old ways. If we're lucky, he goes a couple of days without a drink. He's back to falling over and hurting himself, and Mum is left to clean up after him. I feel so sorry for her, and really want her to do things for herself and get out of that environment, but she's also a lot like me. No matter how angry we might get with him, we know he's sick, and we've loved him for so long we just want to help him.
I've lost count of the number of times I have been awake at night thinking of him, or the amount of bad dreams I've had that involve him. As things are, I can not see an end to this problem. I just don't see how things will ever get better. I feel like, over the last couple of years, I have tried everything I can to get him to see how his addiction effects the rest of us. I truly don't think there is anything more I, or anyone else in my family, can do. It really is up to him now. Which is why I can't see things ever getting better.
We've offered our home to Mum so that she has somewhere to go should she feel like getting out of that house. She is a bit stubborn though, and getting her to come over can be a struggle (who would have though, a Kovac woman being stubborn). But what it all comes down to is the fact that I'm really not coping. So on Monday I think I'm going to go to a family support group. I know that, logically, I can't feel responsible for his addiction and yet my stupid brain, despite knowing this, won't let me come to terms with what has been happening (and what continues to happen). Hopefully this support group helps a bit...
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The Age of Miracles
I've come across some fantastic fiction lately it seems, as I devoured this book, The Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker, so quickly. The basic plot line is that scientists discover that the rotation of the Earth is slowing down (a phenomenon they call The Slowing, surprisingly) and are not sure what has caused it or how bad things will get. The story is told through the eyes of an 11 year old girl, so while there's this worldwide catastrophe, she's trying to grow up and deal with all the issues that come with that.
I absolutely loved this book, but I always seem to love books that have a nostalgic feel and are told through the eyes of younger people as they recollect events (like To Kill a Mockingbird). It was sad, and beautiful, and felt so real. I thought the mix of speculative fiction and young adult issues worked really well, although some people might not like the fact that very little is learned about The Slowing, and might find it frustrating in that regard. If I was to have a complaint, it would be that the ending of the book came too quickly, and I have to admit that after the pace displayed earlier in the book, it seemed a little rushed. I could have quite happily read another 100-150 pages leading up to the end I think.
I found it refreshingly different to anything I've read before, and highly recommend it.
The Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker - 4 stars
I absolutely loved this book, but I always seem to love books that have a nostalgic feel and are told through the eyes of younger people as they recollect events (like To Kill a Mockingbird). It was sad, and beautiful, and felt so real. I thought the mix of speculative fiction and young adult issues worked really well, although some people might not like the fact that very little is learned about The Slowing, and might find it frustrating in that regard. If I was to have a complaint, it would be that the ending of the book came too quickly, and I have to admit that after the pace displayed earlier in the book, it seemed a little rushed. I could have quite happily read another 100-150 pages leading up to the end I think.
I found it refreshingly different to anything I've read before, and highly recommend it.
The Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker - 4 stars
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| The Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker |
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Boo freaking hoo
Yesterday I was having a super emotional day, even having a couple of cries over very minor things. It was probably due to the fact I haven't had a good sleep for around two weeks now, but I felt really silly when one of my friends at work asked if I was okay and I just started crying.
Yesterday at work we received some really sad news about a former colleague who had passed away unexpectedly on the weekend. He was only 42. And although obviously the problems in my life are very minor in comparison to that kind of thing, I guess it got me reflecting on things and feeling sorry for myself as a result.
I also learned yesterday that I didn't get an interview for a position I'd applied for recently in the communications sector, so I started wondering why I am bothering killing myself with these crazy early morning starts, super long days, minimal sleep and no life outside of work and study when it seems obvious to me this dream of having a job where I can write and be creative is never going to happen. Realistically, I can't afford to take a pay cut, and yet that's what I'll have to do to get an entry-level position. Roles at my current pay level require years worth of experience, so I'm never going to win one of those. So it's never going to happen. So why do I keep accumulating this student loan debt? I only have one more year to go but I can't help but feel it'll all be for nought.
And then it's the usual family stuff of course. Today is my Mum's birthday, and all I can do is worry about what our weekend family lunch will bring. And still no signs of pregnancy being any closer...
Sorry for the mopey post. Just my mood lately.
Yesterday at work we received some really sad news about a former colleague who had passed away unexpectedly on the weekend. He was only 42. And although obviously the problems in my life are very minor in comparison to that kind of thing, I guess it got me reflecting on things and feeling sorry for myself as a result.
I also learned yesterday that I didn't get an interview for a position I'd applied for recently in the communications sector, so I started wondering why I am bothering killing myself with these crazy early morning starts, super long days, minimal sleep and no life outside of work and study when it seems obvious to me this dream of having a job where I can write and be creative is never going to happen. Realistically, I can't afford to take a pay cut, and yet that's what I'll have to do to get an entry-level position. Roles at my current pay level require years worth of experience, so I'm never going to win one of those. So it's never going to happen. So why do I keep accumulating this student loan debt? I only have one more year to go but I can't help but feel it'll all be for nought.
And then it's the usual family stuff of course. Today is my Mum's birthday, and all I can do is worry about what our weekend family lunch will bring. And still no signs of pregnancy being any closer...
Sorry for the mopey post. Just my mood lately.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
No Country for Old Men
Yes that's right, I've just finished reading another Cormac McCarthy novel. There have been a number of his books I've wanted to read for some time, and this is the last of those I'd recently borrowed from the library. This is, undoubtedly, my favourite of his books, and in fact has possibly edged its way into my Top 5 book list (if I actually kept a list, which I don't, because asking me to restrict my favourite books into a 'Top whatever' list is just cruel).
WOW! What an incredible novel. McCarthy is, quite simply, a brilliant writer. The pace of this book was relentless and a real page turner. The voices of his characters and the dialogue were so real and made it possible to hear those accents and those conversations in my own head. Nothing in this novel was jarring or felt out of place.
I'm reluctant to post any plotlines to novels on my blog as I'm not a fan of giving spoilers and ruining the reading experience for people, but for those of you who have seen the movie of the same name, it is pretty much identical to the novel (granted, it's been a long time since I saw the film, but I don't remember any differences that stood out). If you're not much of a reader, and haven't seen the film, do it now. Actually, if you're not much of a reader, why the bloody hell not, with such amazing books as this out there :)
No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy - 5 out of freaking 5 giant stars
WOW! What an incredible novel. McCarthy is, quite simply, a brilliant writer. The pace of this book was relentless and a real page turner. The voices of his characters and the dialogue were so real and made it possible to hear those accents and those conversations in my own head. Nothing in this novel was jarring or felt out of place.
I'm reluctant to post any plotlines to novels on my blog as I'm not a fan of giving spoilers and ruining the reading experience for people, but for those of you who have seen the movie of the same name, it is pretty much identical to the novel (granted, it's been a long time since I saw the film, but I don't remember any differences that stood out). If you're not much of a reader, and haven't seen the film, do it now. Actually, if you're not much of a reader, why the bloody hell not, with such amazing books as this out there :)
No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy - 5 out of freaking 5 giant stars
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| No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy |
Thursday, September 6, 2012
A slightly healthier Mel
I feel so much better today than I have the last few days. It's amazing how much of a better mood I'm in when I've had a good night's sleep, this virus seems to be passing, and last night I finished off one of my assignments. Such a relief! Today I treated myself to a lymphatic facial at Face It! Massage It! Nail It! at lunch time which my skin desperately needed after all the sugar and dehydration recently.
So tonight, post assignment, I plan on loading up Lord of the Rings Online, my current gaming addiction, and finishing off reading No Country for Old Men, and have a night away from textbooks. It really is the little things that make me happy! Now if only the weather would get back to what we had on the weekend, that would be perfect.
In other news, I decided to buy a cross stitch pattern that I could make for a friend's birthday coming up in November, but this was considered intermediate level rather than beginner. A couple of nights ago I opened up the pattern and then wondered what the hell I'd done. The jump from beginner to intermediate in these patterns is a huge one, I've found. So I decided to give it a crack, and after an hour I think I've only completed 30 stitches and have already stuffed up. Hmm, maybe I can give it to her next year for her birthday instead...
So tonight, post assignment, I plan on loading up Lord of the Rings Online, my current gaming addiction, and finishing off reading No Country for Old Men, and have a night away from textbooks. It really is the little things that make me happy! Now if only the weather would get back to what we had on the weekend, that would be perfect.
In other news, I decided to buy a cross stitch pattern that I could make for a friend's birthday coming up in November, but this was considered intermediate level rather than beginner. A couple of nights ago I opened up the pattern and then wondered what the hell I'd done. The jump from beginner to intermediate in these patterns is a huge one, I've found. So I decided to give it a crack, and after an hour I think I've only completed 30 stitches and have already stuffed up. Hmm, maybe I can give it to her next year for her birthday instead...
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
What to do when stuck on an assignment? Blog!
Well the weekend was crazy busy! On Saturday I got the food in the slow cooker, we did some housework and went grocery shopping, I managed to squeeze in some studying, and then before we knew it Ivan and Miyuki had arrived for dinner and a catchup. Felt like ages since we'd seen them, and I was trying out a beef and red wine casserole in the slow cooker so who better to have as our taste testers. Thankfully the food was a hit, as was the chocolate cake I'd made for dessert, and we cracked open the yummy wine they'd brought around and sat back and watched a couple of movies, Blood Diamond and Howl's Moving Castle. The night flew and at 1am the guests left and we crawled into bed. We are so old, that's the latest we've been awake for a very long time!
Sunday was Father's Day here in Australia and we were invited over to Mum and Dad's house for lunch. In the morning I did the weekly laundry, tried to study some more, and then we headed over to their house. What looked like it would be a bit of an anxious day due to my Dad actually turned out to be a really lovely afternoon. After dropping Glen home I went to the nursing home to visit Grandma, and then after dinner tried to catch up on a bit more study.
Unfortunately this virus/cold that's been floating around finally got me and I've been at home sick the last two days. What sucks about it is the time off should be conducive to getting lots done, unless ofcourse you're not feeling well and struggling to concentrate. So I have an assignment due Friday and I've only managed 113 words so far. Hoping I can get it done and so that it actually makes sense. There's little point in asking for an extension as I have an even bigger assignment due next week and so this weekend will be spent working on that one instead.
Anyway yesterday I got my fertility test results back. Everything is normal except they need to re-check my progesterone levels so that means more blood tests. Because 4 vials of blood last time just wasn't enough it seems :P
Ok too tiring to sit at the PC much longer. Think it's time to go flop onto the couch and pester my cats...
Sunday was Father's Day here in Australia and we were invited over to Mum and Dad's house for lunch. In the morning I did the weekly laundry, tried to study some more, and then we headed over to their house. What looked like it would be a bit of an anxious day due to my Dad actually turned out to be a really lovely afternoon. After dropping Glen home I went to the nursing home to visit Grandma, and then after dinner tried to catch up on a bit more study.
Unfortunately this virus/cold that's been floating around finally got me and I've been at home sick the last two days. What sucks about it is the time off should be conducive to getting lots done, unless ofcourse you're not feeling well and struggling to concentrate. So I have an assignment due Friday and I've only managed 113 words so far. Hoping I can get it done and so that it actually makes sense. There's little point in asking for an extension as I have an even bigger assignment due next week and so this weekend will be spent working on that one instead.
Anyway yesterday I got my fertility test results back. Everything is normal except they need to re-check my progesterone levels so that means more blood tests. Because 4 vials of blood last time just wasn't enough it seems :P
Ok too tiring to sit at the PC much longer. Think it's time to go flop onto the couch and pester my cats...
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