Relocation

Well, here it is, the link to my new blog: http://bookabyebaby.wordpress.com/

It has a slightly different focus, so I hope you guys will still enjoy it, and that I'll get to see you all there :)

A decision has been made!

After careful consideration and discussions with people outside of this blog, I have decided that I need a clean slate and a fresh start, so will be testing out Wordpress in the next couple of days and will likely start a new blog over there. I will not be deleting this blog, my posts will remain, but I have decided I need to do this as the best way for me to start feeling passionate about blogging again and writing more. My life has turned a corner and it's fitting that my blog does too. I will look at refocussing the blog more on reading and perhaps even setting myself a mammoth reading challenge, but will inject the personal from time to time, just perhaps not as frequently.

Anyway, will keep you posted when the big shift is done!

What to do?

After my post yesterday, I started reading some of my other posts since moving over to this new blog and it was quite depressing: posts about Glen and I trying for children, etc. So I was thinking I might start my blog again, again. I wouldn't delete what's here but just start a new one, maybe on Wordpress, fresh start and all that. Do you think I should bother? Help!

Reboot

Ok, it's been so long since I updated this blog, it's time I really start posting more regularly. Given everything that was going on in my personal life I was in no mood to write as it has not been an easy few months to say the least. Glen moved out of the house a couple of months ago and we have tried to maintain a friendship, which isn't always easy, but in my view it's a lot better than hate and anger. It sounds like a cliche but each day gets a little easier. Not always smoothly though; there are still times when I am happy and then all of a sudden a pang of loss hits, and I'll miss him, and I just start crying. But I'm getting there...

So anyway I'm going to try and post more regularly in general like I used to do when I was a good blogger. Uni is keeping me busy but I am loving my subjects this semester because they both involve lots of writing, so it doesn't seem like such a chore. Nothing much has changed at all with my family since my more regular posts, still just dealing with my Dad's addiction and my Mum is still being amazing. I am still reading as much as possible amidst the studying and drama and will try and start posting reviews again soon.

One thing that has made me feel more like myself lately is that I am starting to furnish the house again. After Glen moved out I bought a new lounge and TV straight away but the rest of the house has been looking half-empty and as sad as I was feeling. I didn't know what to do with the spare room but as it seems to be a popular retreat for interstate visitors I decided to put my old bedroom furniture into there and get myself a new bed etc. On the weekend Mum helped me rearrange everything and put the new pieces together and for the first time since I've lived out of home I have proper bedside tables and lamps. I love my new bedroom. Amazing how rearranging a room to make it feel more like 'mine' has been so emotionally refreshing.

Anyway will leave it here for now. More to come in the next few days, surely :)

Highs and lows

Obviously a lot has happened since the last update. There have been small rays of good, but mostly it's been a lot of pain and trying to figure out who I can actually trust. It's certainly been a real eye opener for me.

When you're the person who instigated a separation, people tend to forget that despite the mistakes you've made, the actual break up of your marriage is still painful to you. Don't get me wrong, I am not playing the victim and I am well aware of my mistakes, but people tend to forget that you're hurting too. Not everyone, of course. I've had some fantastic family and friends stand by me, even if they don't agree with my decisions, they have supported me and helped through the hurt, and for that I am grateful, because without them I probably would have gone a bit nuts.

For those who seem to say they will stick by me and not pick sides, but then invariably do by their actions (whether intentional or not), I just wish they would remember that no matter how things appeared on the surface, no one knows what actually went on in our relationship except for me and Glen.

We have generally kept things amicable and civil but this last week has been the lowest of the low. As a result my self esteem is once again absolutely shattered and it will probably take me a long time to try and rebuild it. But that's for me to work through, I'm not writing it to engender sympathy or pity, but this is my blog and I just want to say what I'm feeling right now.

So what, in all this, could possibly have been the highs mentioned in the title, you ask?

Well my Mum, on the spur of the moment, suggested that for the January long weekend her and I drive to Victoria to visit my Uncle and Aunt in Warrnambool, as well as my cousin in Melbourne. It was a fantastic suggestion, and something that was desperately needed. Mum and I shared the drive, had no dramas, and took it easy. We first went to Melbourne to spend time with my favourite cousin and her gorgeous family which was just fantastic. The next day we drove to Warrnambool where we spent the next few nights at my Uncle's house. He showed us the sights of Warrnambool (surprisingly awesome beaches) and then took us along the Great Ocean Road to see all the tourist spots. It was beautiful. Mum and I drove home on Tuesday morning and stopped off at Mt Gambier to see the Blue Lake, and returned home exhausted from the drive but refreshed mentally. So, a glimmer of positive in all this crap.

Today Glen gets the keys to his new place, and tomorrow is the big moving day. I don't pretend that it will be easy, but logically I know it needs to be done. Then we need to sort out the legal stuff, and I'm not sure how easy any of that will be as we've already had some disagreements, but alas, it needs to be done...

So that's the update in a very small nutshell. Hopefully, with Uni starting again in a couple of weeks and my life getting into another routine I'll have something else to write about. But for now, this is all consuming.

2013: A time of change indeed

So, readers of my blog who don't personally know me are probably wondering why I haven't posted for a while. Late last year, one of my good friends who writes her own blog called thecookingchook nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. Shortly after that, my personal life became a shambles, and so I am feeling like the least inspiring person I know right now.

Obviously I will not publicly go into details, but my husband and I are currently going through a separation, so we are both all over the shop right now. I was the instigator, I was to blame, and although it's been almost 4 weeks since I ruined his life I am still struggling to cope with the guilt, inability to forgive myself, and the grieving for what has been lost. It is difficult to walk away from the marriage and shared hopes and dreams, but it's something I need to learn to do. I regret that I didn't handle situations that came up a long time ago better, obviously. When I accepted his proposal obviously it was not my intention that we go down this path when only married less than two years. But I am trying to remain hopeful that this doesn't mean the end of my life goals to be happy and to have a family. I need to believe that I can still achieve those and find my true happiness.